‘Killer Thong’ Review: A Giant Nothing Burger of a Movie…
There is absolutely no way to intellectualize this. Trust me, I tried. I’m just gonna shoot super straight here, so bare with me.
I hate leopard print. It’s ugly and gawdy. I just can’t think of any situation where it looks good, yet Reno Anastasio’s Killer Thong film (co-written by Shawn Doucette), is filled with endless shots of leopard print things. Now, imagine the protagonist having a psychic connection, along with being stalked by Leopard print underwear. That alone is a nightmare, but somehow, the torture isn’t reserved for the protagonist alone. As a viewer, you too will experience torture from watching this.
Alex (Rebecca Ambrosino) is surprised her friends threw her a birthday party. Unfortunately, they’ve hired two of the worst male strippers imaginable–both wearing leopard print thongs. The birthday girl is horrified because she’s clearly a lesbian. While watching the two men strip, Alex fantasizes about another woman. One of the strippers is especially creepy, touching all over Alex without her permission, trying to get her to dance. His body radiates this strange electrical current. The whole ordeal is so painful that the poor girl passes out. Don’t blame her.
For some reason, the electricity from the stripper generates throughout her home long after he’s left. The current is so intense, Alex is having visions of said stripper. The birthday girl and her homegirl go to a consignment shop where her friend buys a pair of leopard print underwear. This place is where the killer thong hides out and has seemingly taken control of the shop owner. Taking a liking to Alex, it follows her home, breaks through her window, and possesses everyone inside the house. Now the resident lesbian is tasked with saving her friends and saving the world from the demonic underwear before it’s too late.
Look, I love a good B-movie. I am a fan of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, and the Birdemic trilogy. They aren’t good films, but there is good bad, bad bad, and unwatchable. Killer Thong is the latter.
There are so many scenes of insignificant nonsense that drag on for so long, leaving me with so many questions. How long is she going to dance on top of the car? How long is the pair of underwear going to follow Alex around? Why is this happening? Why? Why? Why? There were points in the film where I wanted to give up, but decided to stick through it to the end to my detriment.
Characters make decisions that even belie the framework of b-movie shclock, but there is one scene that made me laugh. One of the characters is getting undressed, and the underwear just bursts through the window and basically deep throats her into submission. I just gaffawed myself into a stupor–which I guess is the point. If nothing else, the film absolutely achieved its goal of being as low budget and b-movie as possible.
I will give credit where credit is due. Anastasio is basically a one-man band who accomplished something most won’t by making a no-budget feature film. The Killer Thong crew is just a group of friends getting together, helping one another out, taking on multiple roles, and creating something. I think that is a huge achievement and the director and co-writer should be proud of the production. Regardless of what others, or myself say.
With that said, Killer Thong is a nothing burger of a story. There’s no horror, no comedy, no stakes, no thrills, it’s just nothing. If anything, it did revive my absolute hatred for leopard print. YUCK!
Valerie Complex View All
Writer, Critic, and passionate about comics, movies and equality on the big screen.
Hi Valerie
Thank you deeply for your great review which, by admission, reveals how successful the movie was in triggering people who don’t like leopard-print clothing.
Among the many audience intentions I had in producing the movie, one of them was to trigger viewers, in whatever way they trigger, who don’t like leopard-print pattern.
This is one of the main reasons that Alex, the lead character, has a nightmare: because, not only does she not like men, but she also doesn’t like leopard-print. This is conveyed in her scene at the boutique store. When Julie shows her the thong, she reacts and exclaims: “Leopard-print? That is so cheesy, so yesterday. Men look so disgusting in thongs. I don’t know what would ever possess one to ever wear a thong.” Julie then teases her with the thong and she pulls back in disgust.
I really loved how the leopard-print had such a negative effect on you that you were not able to see any of the surrealism in the lengthy dream sequence narrative. Not only that, your reasoning faculties as a critic blinded you to narrative events most obvious:
(1) Julie does not “buy a pair of leopard print underwear” at the consignment shop — she buys a dress. Either your powers of observation, or your memory, was jeopardized by the blinding leopard-print hatred I triggered. Excellent! Right on!
(2) “How long is she going to dance on top of the car?” — When people hear their favorite song come on the radio, they usually react in a music manner, such as to snap their fingers, tap their feet, shuffle their bodies to the rhythm of the music, or even start dancing. Julie says “Oh my god, this is like, my favorite song, EVER!” Hence, why she dances. And people usually stop dancing when the music ends. It’s that simple, but my success at triggering your leopard-print hatred blinded you to all that. Right on!
(3) “How long is the pair of underwear going to follow Alex around?” — This question indicates audience curiosity. Therefore, the audience will have their curiosity question answered by continuing to watch the movie, which I succeeded in making you do, despite triggering you. Right on!
(4) “Why is this happening?” — If the director spoon feeds you the answer, then critics whine about Exposition. In this movie, the surrealism experience allows the audience to bring their own interpretation to the movie, and therefore, answer their own question. With you asking this rhetorical question, I again can see that I succeeded at triggering your leopard-print hatred so powerfully that your critic skills were compromised. Excellent! Right on!
(5) “No stakes.” Alex must (1) conquer her fear of leopard-print, (2) wake up from here nightmare, (3) come out of the closet and (4) admit her attraction to women. Otherwise, her roommates will keep throwing her masculine-themes birthday parties year after year. However, once again, your hatred for leopard-print blinded you to the stakes. Excellent!
Thank you again for showing me how effective my leopard-print production design was at affecting a certain demographic of the audience.
And from one fellow military veteran to another, I salute you.
Thanks and regards,
Reno Anastasio
Healing Light Films